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Good evening, it's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

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Indeed it is, and in a packed programme
tonight, I shall be talking to members

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of the Special Patrol Group of the
Society for Psychic Research, who rushed

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London today to investigate the
unexplained sighting of a porter at

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Station.

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And I'll be introducing you to the
Brazilian coffee millionaire who's built

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house in his own grounds.

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But first, the news.

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The Minister of Defence is to
investigate allegations about a recent

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which members of both the Parachute
Regiment and the Women's Royal Army

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were given medals.

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Apparently it got rather out of hand and
turned into a bit of a gong -bong.

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In America, a Congressional Committee of
Inquiry has been appointed to

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investigate recent claims that convicted
criminals lead lives of luxury.

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This follows the recent case of an
Albuquerque man who was sentenced to the

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electric sofa.

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Police have stepped up the search for
Laxley Druitt, the Member of Parliament

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who's gone off his chump.

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They fear that in his present state of
mind, he might do something sensible.

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There was swift justice today for the
Bridlington man accused of impersonating

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truck.

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He was bound under for 14 days.

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Motoring news. Following the success of
The Talking Maestro, next week sees the

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launch of a new car that tells jokes.

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It's called the Laughing Cavalier.

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And fears that the increase in the
numbers of burglaries might damage the

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national economy were confirmed today,
when the pound fell six points against

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the stolen video.

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00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:13,839
But now for a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Barker, a man with such amazing

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reserves of stamina, he once stayed
awake all the way through a Paul Daniels

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trick.

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the beef bourguignon.

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Who don't? He don't. There's only one
geezer in there. He says it's tasteless,

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lumpy and cold, he says.

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Oh, you mean he's not very keen on it?
No.

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Oh, well, we can't have that. We'll have
to see what we can do about that, won't

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we, Alphonse? We will indeed, Chef,
yeah. Right, I'll tell you what we do.

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See if you can find them Brussels
sprouts we had left over from yesterday.

39
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Oh, I like it, I like it. Brussels
sprouts.

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Where are the Brussels sprouts at?

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Right, stick them in here. Yeah, we'll
do it. Yes, yes.

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That's right.

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Right, there we are. Now then, bit of
mustard.

44
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Ah, you must have read my thoughts,
Chef. Yeah, just a soup salt.

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He said it was a bit cold, didn't he?
Yeah, he did. He won't say that again,

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will he?

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Not much else for that matter, I don't
suppose. No, he won't. Any other

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complaints, did he? Yeah, he wasn't over
-chuffed about the meat.

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He said it was horse.

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A horse?

51
00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:29,249
What does he think this is, the Ritz?

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I know. And he said he only had one
lump. Oh, did he? Oh, well, we'll give

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another lump. There we are. Oh, yes.
That's a good idea. That's the idea.

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His gain will be Tittle's loss.

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She didn't reckon it much anyway, did
she? No, she didn't. Well, she had

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that cat, didn't she?

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All you can say for the customer, that's
what I would say. That's right. And be

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that dodgy bit of tripe over there,
would you? Oh, yeah.

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If it'll stay still long enough.

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Alan, surely?

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No, perish at all. Perish at all.

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Oh, dear.

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Oh, I don't know. No, why not?

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Nothing's too good for our valued
patron. That's it.

65
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He still lacks a bit of something. He's
a bit thin, isn't he?

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I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Here
you are.

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I'll give him one of these.

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That's the idea.

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That's it.

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That's it.

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Right. Listen. Listen. Listen.

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What's that?

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A blue bottle? A blue bottle in my
kitchen?

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Hasn't it read the hygiene regulations?

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Where is it?

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Well

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caught,

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well caught, Alphonse.

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Can't say there's no body in it now, can
you?

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Extra protein at no extra cost.

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We aim to please, don't we, Alphonse?
Indeed. Do you know what he had the

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temerity to suggest?

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What? That the plate was dirty.

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Oh, did he? Oh, lackaday and
lamentations. Well, I'll fix that.

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Yes. I'll fix that.

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That's right, that's it. There we are.
Now he can see his face in it. I told

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that Egon Ronnie often passes this
restaurant. I told him that distinctly.

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He told me to put a sock in it, he said.

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A sock? Yeah, put a sock in it. The man
must be psyched. Yeah.

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It can't be clean, never mind.

91
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No, no. It's the next best thing, isn't
it? Extra content of high fibre. That's

92
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right, yes. Now, we'll give him a dollop
of this here. Yes, that's right. Like

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that, see? That's it. There we are.

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Some of that and some of that. Now, you
take this round.

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Yes. To our lovely gourmet friend.

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Yes. That's right. See what he thinks of
that, all right? I'll do that, yes.

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There you go. Right.

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Hey, hang on, hang on. You haven't got
your thumb in it.

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Oh, what I never learned, Chef. Is that
better?

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That's lovely.

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That's it.

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Tell him, give him the compliments of
the house, and tell him if there's

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anything else we can do, we'll do it all
over him.

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Would you believe it? What? He's gone.

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Gone? Yeah. After me slaving my fingers
to the bone? I know. What a flaming

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liberty. Still, still good to play.

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Please welcome this week's guest, ladies
and gentlemen, Stephanie Lawrence.

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Think about me and you.

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Think of all the changes we've been
through.

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The times get hard strong

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and it will

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This time we were through The passion
was in pain My

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heart had changed Then in the morning
light

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And it will rock.

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by people not being very well.

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The fact is we simply don't get enough
exercise. How about a gruelling 75 -mile

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hike across the moors?

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Personally, I like nothing better.

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So every Saturday morning, that's
exactly what I do. Nothing.

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Now, I had a letter from a viewer in
Peebles who writes, how can I get a body

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like Jane Fonda's? Well, Mr. Dinsley,
you won't get it overnight.

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Certainly not with Jane Fonda, you
won't, will you?

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But thanks to the revolution of
aerobics, it is possible for... That is

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down to a shapely hourglass figure.

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Here we are.

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Look at that.

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It's all right if you like that sort of
thing.

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Of course, since then, I've managed to
put it back on.

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Much to the relief of my wife. Now, here
is something.

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Here is something to exercise your
stomach muscles.

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A BBC cheese and chutney sandwich.

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That reminds me, I must clean out the
budges cage when I get home.

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But remember, too much exercise can
bring problems. A few weeks ago, my

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secretary, Miss Tumbleton, had the
misfortune to overdo it with the chest

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expanders. She went sunbathing topless
on Brighton Beach and everyone asked

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who'd moved the pavilion.

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Eventually, she was asked to cover up
her minarets.

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To compensate, the next day she went
jogging.

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Came back with two black eyes.

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a heavy sweater, such as Eamon Andrews.

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How can we cut down on calories in our
food? One simple tip is to put a brick

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your steak and kidney pie.

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The British Rail have been doing that
for years.

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Try to cut down on fats. Now here is a
plate of ordinary fish fingers with the

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batter removed.

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Oh no, sorry, that's the new cholesterol
-free cheese omelette, I'm sorry.

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Another tip, in future try... cooking
your fried eggs in sunflower oil. They

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delicious. There we are.

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There's one.

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Now, over here is my assistant, Miss
Willits, and she has the recommended

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breakfast for swimmers.

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There we are.

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One glass of fruit juice, one ounce of
cottage cheese, and two crackers.

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Breakfast in bed can be fun. So, which
are the foods that are bad for you?

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the simple answer is all of them.

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All food is extremely harmful, and the
only way to stay really healthy is not

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eat anything at all.

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Or the F .A. Plan diet, as we call it.

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Cyril Smith has been on this diet now
for two weeks.

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Yesterday, I asked him how he found it,
to which he replied with a mirror on a

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stick.

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But, of course, he was in a bad mood
because he'd just shaved off some

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hair around his navel.

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and got booked for having a bald spare
tyre.

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But, of course, some foods are much
worse for you than others. A report out

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today shows that pork sausages can be a
considerable health hazard, particularly

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to pigs, of course.

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So, in future, they will all carry this
government health warning.

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Doctors think twice before eating a pork
sausage.

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Certainly in Golders Green they do,
anyway.

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00:14:01,581 --> 00:14:06,209
If you want to find out how to lose 11
pounds in one week, just write off now

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for my special booklet, enclosing 11
pounds.

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It's a general rule of thumb only,
things that taste absolutely disgusting.

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00:14:13,710 --> 00:14:16,989
more disgusting the taste, the better
something is for you. The exception, of

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course, being Bernard Manning.

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So, finally, to sum up, take more fibre
and more exercise and start every

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morning like I do, with three plates of
Orban and a quick 100 -metre dash. Good

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health!

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I say, Humphrey, what is it, Godfrey?
You don't mind if I smoke my pipe, do

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Not if you don't mind my being sick, old
chap.

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00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:49,700
Oh, that's all right.

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00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:54,440
Good God, that's a rather highly
coloured sock you're wearing there, old

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00:14:54,441 --> 00:14:58,239
isn't it? Wonderful, isn't it? Fantastic
colouring. Hand -knitted in the Congo,

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you know.

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Not another like it in England.

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00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:03,180
I bet you a fiver there is, old chap.

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00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,680
Done, right. Where is it? On your other
leg.

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Cycling, sir. Your daughter's bought a
bicycle, has she?

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Yeah, she loves it. It goes everywhere
on it. Really? Well, she's a farmer's

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00:15:16,810 --> 00:15:19,789
wife. I thought the money would be
better spent on a cow, wouldn't it?

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00:15:19,790 --> 00:15:21,930
look a bit of a fool riding round on a
cow.

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00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:26,250
Yeah. Not half as much a fool as she'd
look trying to milk a bicycle.

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Hello there.

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00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:43,280
Hello, old boy. I say, it's rather
crowded, wasn't it? Very crowded.

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Very, very difficult to have a
conversation without feeling someone is

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00:15:47,260 --> 00:15:50,300
overhearing one. Oh, I've solved all
that. Oh, really?

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00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,660
Oh, yes. I've invented aristocratic
rhyming slang.

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00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:56,140
Oh, really? A -R -S for short.

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00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,740
It doesn't sound very...

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00:15:58,741 --> 00:16:03,679
How does it actually work? Oh, it's
simple, old boy. You see, you have the

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00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:08,000
school ties here. You have the Mary
Rose. You have the Lords and Peers.

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00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,459
And you have the old... Audley Street
South. Very good. And you've got the

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00:16:12,460 --> 00:16:14,820
little... Pink gin. Pink gin.
Absolutely.

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00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:16,340
Got it in one, yes.

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00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,819
And then when you leap into your car,
you see, you grab hold of the Lord Privy

206
00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:23,470
Seal and you press the old Knight of the
Garter. What?

207
00:16:23,471 --> 00:16:25,119
No, I'm sorry, I don't follow that.

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00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,099
Well, Lord Privy Seal wheeled Knight of
the Garter's starter.

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00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,150
You see what I mean?

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00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:34,299
Sorry, I've been frightfully favel row
over that. Yes, you weren't exactly on

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00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:35,920
the Royal Albert Hall, were you?

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00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:41,560
Once one gets the hang of it, it's not
at all Grenadier Garter. Oh, no.

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00:16:41,561 --> 00:16:45,039
No, it's absolutely simple. And the
beauty of it is, you see, you can talk

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00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:49,010
anyone without anyone knowing what the
artesian well you're talking about is.

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00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:54,219
It was St. James's Park. Oh, it is,
absolutely. Why don't we have a little

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00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:57,120
about the jerseys? The jerseys?

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00:16:57,380 --> 00:16:58,430
Girls, oh, girls.

218
00:16:58,540 --> 00:16:59,660
Oh, jersey cows.

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00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,130
No, no.

220
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,319
Jerseys and pearls, oh, boy.

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00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:08,000
A jersey cow. Oh, I don't know, perhaps
you're right.

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00:17:13,709 --> 00:17:18,029
You have to raise your Rolls Royce a
little. I can't hear above the Henley

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00:17:18,030 --> 00:17:21,309
regatta. I know, it is a bit like... I
say, she's a bit on the centre court

224
00:17:21,310 --> 00:17:22,360
side, isn't she?

225
00:17:22,589 --> 00:17:24,369
Now, she's much too huntball.

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00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:27,810
Oh, yes, absolutely. My, Joe, what a
magnificent upper crust.

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00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:32,210
And that one's coming out. Really? I
didn't know that.

228
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:36,450
It's out to it. Yes, it's out to it,
yes.

229
00:17:36,451 --> 00:17:40,039
I say, you see this one? The one with
the string of marquis and earls round

230
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:44,539
neck. Oh, she's delightful. The proper
little Lucinda Pryor Palmer she is. I

231
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:47,899
mean, she's got a wonderful little
anchovy paste, hasn't she? And a

232
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:48,980
pair of plover's eggs.

233
00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:52,320
Rather a nice pedigree chum as well.

234
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:58,099
What about this girl in the corner? Oh,
that one over there, she looks three

235
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,240
parts amethyst to me.

236
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:03,280
She is a real Park Lane in the
Knightsbridge underpass.

237
00:18:04,890 --> 00:18:06,430
I see. Here she comes again. Look.

238
00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:08,010
Looking for more booze?

239
00:18:08,370 --> 00:18:11,500
She'll lose her Richmond and Twickers
before the night's out.

240
00:18:13,210 --> 00:18:18,289
What about that yachting chap over
there? Well, the one with the pink

241
00:18:18,290 --> 00:18:22,110
and the rather fancy castle moat? Yes.
Do you think he's, um... What, Richmond,

242
00:18:22,190 --> 00:18:23,630
dear? Almost certainly, yes.

243
00:18:24,610 --> 00:18:29,229
What about a little more Harrods
hampers? Well, just a daddy's yacht.

244
00:18:29,230 --> 00:18:31,820
we are. What do you think of the
pheasant and grouse?

245
00:18:31,821 --> 00:18:34,909
Well, this room's all right. I think the
rest of the place isn't a bit of a

246
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:35,769
Buckingham gate.

247
00:18:35,770 --> 00:18:36,910
Yes, it is a bit, really.

248
00:18:37,210 --> 00:18:42,349
Apparently, he is something in Katie
Boyle. I remember last year when Camilla

249
00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:46,249
smoked a point -to -point, rushed
upstairs and was immediately sick in the

250
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,300
Fortnum and Mason.

251
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:52,429
And poor old Gwendolyn slipped at the
top of the stairs, went for a right road

252
00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:55,549
in and girt and all the way down the
stairs, landed flat on her children's

253
00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:56,600
nanny.

254
00:19:00,761 --> 00:19:06,009
the wife, otherwise she'll be in a
proper buck's fist.

255
00:19:06,010 --> 00:19:09,440
Yes, I must dash to the Cambridge Blue.
I'm dying for a shore and by sea.

256
00:19:35,820 --> 00:19:40,280
Three dogs, seven horses and a wife.

257
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,620
Oh Mary, the voices are calling.

258
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:48,660
They're calling and telling me to go.

259
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:56,299
But before I set out on my journey,
there's one thing that

260
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:57,480
I gotta know.

261
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:02,420
Do they play country music in heaven?

262
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:06,600
Are there still four square beats to a
bar?

263
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:11,240
Can I find a backing group among the
angels?

264
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,260
Can I swap my plucking harp for a
guitar?

265
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:20,160
Cause I can't, I just can't leave my
music.

266
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,680
It's the thing that has served me so
well.

267
00:20:25,220 --> 00:20:31,879
So if I can't... Play my music in heaven
I'll go play my

268
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:37,859
music in hell And with that he lay back
on his pillow

269
00:20:37,860 --> 00:20:44,459
With a sad dreamy look in his eye And
his soul

270
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:51,039
saddled up and departed For that pearly
stockade in the sky

271
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:55,420
And there stood St. Peter waiting

272
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:04,679
That big rhinestone gate But before I go
in Said the singer

273
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:11,199
Said Peter I must know my fate Do they
play

274
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:17,899
country music in heaven Are there still
four square beats to a bar

275
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:24,839
Can I find a backing group among the
angels Can I swap my

276
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,740
plucking heart for a guitar

277
00:21:28,090 --> 00:21:31,590
Cause I can't, I just can't leave my
music.

278
00:21:32,090 --> 00:21:35,910
It's the thing that has served me so
well.

279
00:21:36,370 --> 00:21:43,229
So if I can't play my music in heaven,
I'll go play my

280
00:21:43,230 --> 00:21:45,090
music in hell.

281
00:21:45,550 --> 00:21:49,430
Come inside now, said Peter, and rest
you.

282
00:21:50,170 --> 00:21:53,750
Change out of them dirty old things.

283
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,460
Try these breeches of snowy white
buckskin.

284
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:02,560
And this waistcoat with slits for your
wings.

285
00:22:03,340 --> 00:22:07,260
Yes, you can play your music in heaven.

286
00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:11,660
And your guitar is safe in your hands.

287
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,980
There is no room in hell for a singer.

288
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:20,340
Because it's too full of rock and roll
bands.

289
00:22:21,530 --> 00:22:24,990
So he played country music in heaven.

290
00:22:25,630 --> 00:22:29,250
And there were four square feet to the
bar.

291
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:33,790
And he found a backing group among the
angels.

292
00:22:34,490 --> 00:22:37,970
And he swapped his plunking harp for a
guitar.

293
00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,540
I say, Humphrey.

294
00:23:00,260 --> 00:23:05,600
What is it, Godfrey? It says here, a
firm bust in four weeks.

295
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:10,140
Well, that's nothing. My brother's firm
went bust in a fortnight.

296
00:23:10,580 --> 00:23:11,630
No, no, no.

297
00:23:11,940 --> 00:23:14,440
It's an advert for women.

298
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:17,160
Well, don't answer it, old chap. You've
got one.

299
00:23:18,220 --> 00:23:20,990
Talking of women, have you seen the new
maid in the bar?

300
00:23:21,140 --> 00:23:23,960
Yes, I have. I've seen better legs on a
piano.

301
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,460
And with a piano, you'll get one extra.

302
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,880
Bit of a gold digger, too, you know.

303
00:23:30,100 --> 00:23:31,460
Really? Yes, oh, yes.

304
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:35,380
I can read women like a book. What
system do you use?

305
00:23:35,980 --> 00:23:37,030
Braille.

306
00:23:37,031 --> 00:23:41,319
The problem with life is, you know, when
you're young, you can't afford women,

307
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,440
and by the time you've got money to
burn, the fire's gone out.

308
00:23:44,860 --> 00:23:46,280
Like my brother.

309
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:52,180
He still chases his secretaries around
the desk, but he can't remember why.

310
00:24:02,060 --> 00:24:04,320
Good evening, Arthur.

311
00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:05,740
Good evening, Arthur.

312
00:24:06,340 --> 00:24:07,390
You're early.

313
00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:09,360
Yes, me house is on fire.

314
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,650
Oh, dear.

315
00:24:12,140 --> 00:24:13,760
Have you rung up the... fire brigade.

316
00:24:14,060 --> 00:24:16,530
No, I'm going to wait till six, get the
cheap rate.

317
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,990
How are you going to have? A pint a
mile?

318
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,080
Oh, no, I'm on halves these days.

319
00:24:22,081 --> 00:24:23,319
I'll have two.

320
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:24,370
Oh.

321
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,140
Hey, your picture's upside down.

322
00:24:27,460 --> 00:24:28,880
I know, it's a Turner.

323
00:24:29,180 --> 00:24:30,230
Oh.

324
00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:33,700
We've got a Beethoven at home.

325
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,120
Well, he's a musician.

326
00:24:35,260 --> 00:24:36,700
I know, it's a rotten picture.

327
00:24:38,460 --> 00:24:40,840
Do you know what Beethoven's last words
were?

328
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:42,280
Pardon? That's right.

329
00:24:43,201 --> 00:24:46,699
Oven -ready canary you've got there.

330
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:48,080
No, no, do you want to buy it?

331
00:24:48,220 --> 00:24:50,870
Why, what's wrong with it? It's got
three legs, look.

332
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:53,730
How much?

333
00:24:53,980 --> 00:24:55,030
Two quid a leg.

334
00:24:55,540 --> 00:24:57,960
Oh, no, I've only got five, Pete. I've
got change.

335
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,260
That could be a rat, you know, Arthur.

336
00:25:02,261 --> 00:25:04,419
I thought you said it was an oven -ready
turkey.

337
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:08,580
No, no, I mean that noise in the
cupboard there. Oh, don't worry about

338
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:12,719
That's been going on there since last
Christmas. Oh, has it? Oh, talking of

339
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,200
Christmas, do you know Bert?

340
00:25:33,631 --> 00:25:40,639
husband up to a point. Oh, what point
was that? The point when he ran off with

341
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,530
the bridesmaid while his bride was
signing the register.

342
00:25:43,531 --> 00:25:45,879
Well, that's marriage, isn't it, Arthur,
eh?

343
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:48,440
It's my silver divorce next Tuesday, you
know.

344
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,040
Oh, well, I wish you good health.

345
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:54,820
Cheers. Tell me, what day of the week
does Good Friday fall on?

346
00:25:55,020 --> 00:25:57,260
Well, it fell on a Thursday this year.

347
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,700
So did my dog, you know. Oh, yeah.

348
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,789
He was a grand little fella. No, he was.
He just used to throw the stick and

349
00:26:07,790 --> 00:26:08,870
say, fetch Morris.

350
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:10,770
Yeah, did he fetch it? Yeah. No.

351
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,980
Why not? Well, he wasn't called Morris,
you see.

352
00:26:14,970 --> 00:26:16,490
He was named Stanley.

353
00:26:17,210 --> 00:26:21,230
After the footballer, you know. What,
Stanley Matthews? No, John McEnroe.

354
00:26:24,870 --> 00:26:28,790
John McEnroe don't play football. Well,
neither did the dog, did he?

355
00:26:36,070 --> 00:26:37,430
It won't open, though.

356
00:26:37,630 --> 00:26:38,770
No, it's bank holiday.

357
00:26:38,970 --> 00:26:41,860
Oh, that's right. Nothing opens bank
holiday, does it? No.

358
00:26:42,150 --> 00:26:44,050
Could be dry rot, you know.

359
00:26:44,290 --> 00:26:46,370
We had a woodworm once, but it died.

360
00:26:46,790 --> 00:26:47,950
Oh, really? What of?

361
00:26:48,250 --> 00:26:49,930
It was drowned in the rising damp.

362
00:26:52,170 --> 00:26:56,969
Somebody told me a funny story the other
night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was Christmas

363
00:26:56,970 --> 00:27:01,570
Eve, and the shepherd was on the
hillside, you see, and he was just, he

364
00:27:01,630 --> 00:27:04,320
um... Oh, uh, what do you do to a sheep?

365
00:27:04,580 --> 00:27:06,440
Eardick. Oh, I can't very tell you then.

366
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,000
Listen, why don't you unlock the
cupboard?

367
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:15,820
Well, I can't find the key.

368
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:17,360
Well, maybe it's inside.

369
00:27:17,420 --> 00:27:18,980
Well, have a look then. All right.

370
00:27:19,580 --> 00:27:22,260
Oh, look at that now. It's old Bert.

371
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,419
He's been in there since last year.
Yeah. I'd better take him home. He'll be

372
00:27:28,420 --> 00:27:29,660
missed. As a newt.

373
00:27:37,051 --> 00:27:41,199
Thank you, Emma. I know what you're
thinking.

374
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,119
I know what you're thinking.

375
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:45,250
That's the first time I've seen a garden
mole wearing glasses.

376
00:27:46,380 --> 00:27:49,700
And who left that SAS action man in the
chair?

377
00:27:52,500 --> 00:27:58,119
No, it is pathetic, isn't it? You know,
a comedian of my enormous stature, you

378
00:27:58,120 --> 00:27:59,170
know.

379
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:05,420
Do I hear sniggers sometimes about the
word comedian? No.

380
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:07,800
No, that is what I am.

381
00:28:08,090 --> 00:28:13,110
But to be honest, my wife has made me
put this on because I have a small cold.

382
00:28:14,410 --> 00:28:16,330
A small cold what? You're all out.

383
00:28:18,810 --> 00:28:21,790
No, no, she was very insistent that I
should wrap up.

384
00:28:24,510 --> 00:28:26,680
Or was that the producer? I can't
remember.

385
00:28:26,690 --> 00:28:30,889
Anyway, it is fair enough, I suppose,
because I do seem to attract all manner

386
00:28:30,890 --> 00:28:35,530
ailments these days. Only a few weeks
ago, my hush puppies caught distemper.

387
00:28:37,450 --> 00:28:40,870
And I was always very sickly as a child,
especially with my thighs.

388
00:28:41,450 --> 00:28:45,730
As a baby, I was so small, I could only
have one measle at a time.

389
00:28:47,510 --> 00:28:50,750
And sniffly noses do run in our family.

390
00:28:51,070 --> 00:28:57,969
Now, my old Uncle Herbert, for instance,
has a lot of trouble breathing these

391
00:28:57,970 --> 00:28:59,310
days. He's dead.

392
00:29:01,170 --> 00:29:02,430
No, he's not, no.

393
00:29:02,730 --> 00:29:05,250
That is just a story he puts about to
get sympathy.

394
00:29:06,970 --> 00:29:12,249
It's understandable my wife worries,
because it does get very nippy here at

395
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,300
BBC.

396
00:29:13,390 --> 00:29:17,429
Only this morning the producer's
secretary said she was going away to get

397
00:29:17,430 --> 00:29:18,690
jumper to warm her up.

398
00:29:19,450 --> 00:29:22,820
Two hours later we found her in a broom
cupboard with Davy Thompson.

399
00:29:24,290 --> 00:29:30,650
So my wife was very firm about it. Put
your woolly blala clava on, she said,

400
00:29:30,850 --> 00:29:35,469
and stay out of drafts. She said, if you
take that off, she said, I will never

401
00:29:35,470 --> 00:29:36,520
speak to you again.

402
00:29:36,950 --> 00:29:38,870
That's the best offer I've had all week.

403
00:29:39,830 --> 00:29:44,030
No, the fact is that my wife has been
rather moody just lately.

404
00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:46,550
For one thing, the house is in rather a
state.

405
00:29:46,870 --> 00:29:51,150
In fact, our carpets are so filthy, the
vacuum cleaner's developed a hernia.

406
00:29:52,790 --> 00:29:57,369
We've been having a lot of trouble
fixing up her driving insurance as well.

407
00:29:57,370 --> 00:29:58,420
never an easy job.

408
00:29:58,430 --> 00:30:02,410
The day she passed the test, Lloyds of
London sounded the lutein bell.

409
00:30:04,150 --> 00:30:05,830
Personally, I think she was wrong.

410
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,670
taking lessons from her brother -in
-law. He used to drive a muck spreader.

411
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:12,260
He was Nigel Dempster's chauffeur.

412
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:21,299
Quite a good point there. The other
night, I woke up at three o 'clock in

413
00:30:21,300 --> 00:30:26,359
morning, and there she was, my wife,
just standing there, gazing mournfully

414
00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:28,100
through the window, just like that.

415
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:30,450
Just gazing.

416
00:30:31,460 --> 00:30:32,760
She looked so sad.

417
00:30:33,210 --> 00:30:35,260
Eventually, I had to get up and let her
in.

418
00:30:37,790 --> 00:30:38,930
No, I know.

419
00:30:39,210 --> 00:30:46,209
I know why she's upset. We had a little
tiff about how to redo our

420
00:30:46,210 --> 00:30:47,189
front garden.

421
00:30:47,190 --> 00:30:52,510
I wanted a nice lawn with all the little
ornaments, and she wanted crazy paving.

422
00:30:52,950 --> 00:30:57,270
In the end, we reached a compromise and
had the garden gnome certified.

423
00:31:01,850 --> 00:31:05,929
It's actually amazing that our marriage
has survived at all when I think

424
00:31:05,930 --> 00:31:08,189
everything she's had to put up with over
the years.

425
00:31:08,190 --> 00:31:11,990
Like the time on our honeymoon when I
had to be given a bump start.

426
00:31:15,730 --> 00:31:21,590
We were driving round the continent and
the car broke down. Please.

427
00:31:24,950 --> 00:31:28,050
You are awful, you lot. Honestly.

428
00:31:28,051 --> 00:31:32,219
I should have known better, really. I'd
just bought one of those cheap, tinny

429
00:31:32,220 --> 00:31:34,400
French cars with the ring pool sunroof.

430
00:31:36,340 --> 00:31:40,840
And I'll never forget the awful boarding
house we stayed in. My goodness, pokey.

431
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,710
It was so small, they cleaned the
windows with Optrex.

432
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:46,660
But I digress.

433
00:31:47,140 --> 00:31:53,079
On to tonight's story, which actually
really truly did happen at our last end

434
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:56,320
-of -series party. After the last show
in every series,

435
00:31:58,940 --> 00:32:03,099
party up in the bar the producer was
leaving and we wanted to give him a

436
00:32:03,100 --> 00:32:08,899
so we bought him a private helicopter
and i say private helicopter it was more

437
00:32:08,900 --> 00:32:14,079
sort of you know very primitive kind of
you know auto gyro thing you know let's

438
00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:20,949
be honest it was magnus pike in a bucket
and as he's As

439
00:32:20,950 --> 00:32:26,250
he spoke to me, the producer, as the
producer spoke, a tear bedimmed his eye.

440
00:32:26,590 --> 00:32:31,709
Ronnie, he said, today is the birthday
of my dear old Irish mother. How I wish

441
00:32:31,710 --> 00:32:34,810
could hear that song, he said. She used
to sing to me as a child.

442
00:32:35,170 --> 00:32:36,220
Paddy me boy.

443
00:32:36,750 --> 00:32:38,230
Just for old time's sake.

444
00:32:38,470 --> 00:32:42,609
And it was the first time I've seen him
cry since someone cracked the

445
00:32:42,610 --> 00:32:44,170
combination lock in his wallet.

446
00:32:45,430 --> 00:32:47,750
I don't mind saying I was deeply
touched.

447
00:32:48,690 --> 00:32:49,810
I was deeply touched.

448
00:32:49,811 --> 00:32:52,439
There you are. I told you I didn't mind
saying it.

449
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:55,560
Because I have known our old producer
for many years.

450
00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:59,499
I mean, he, to be honest, plucked me
from obscurity when I was still doing

451
00:32:59,500 --> 00:33:00,820
-ons for Magic Roundabout.

452
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:06,190
That was about the time when Zebedee had
been a little bit naughty.

453
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:12,579
You know what I mean? And we'd just all
heard that Florence was expecting a

454
00:33:12,580 --> 00:33:13,630
spring baby.

455
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:19,339
I thought there must be something I can
do here for the dear old producer. So I

456
00:33:19,340 --> 00:33:22,599
went into the corridor out to have a
think. And who should I bump into in the

457
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:25,610
corridor getting into a lift but Joe
Loss and the orchestra.

458
00:33:25,611 --> 00:33:29,009
carrying their instruments. So I rushed
over to Joe. I said, look, before you go

459
00:33:29,010 --> 00:33:32,609
home, a great favour. You'd think your
boys would come into the bar and play a

460
00:33:32,610 --> 00:33:35,260
few verses of Paddy Me Boy for our
producers, you see.

461
00:33:35,261 --> 00:33:37,889
It's his mother's birthday and it would
mean the world to him. So he said, of

462
00:33:37,890 --> 00:33:40,449
course, of course, we'll only be two,
please. So they all trooped back into

463
00:33:40,450 --> 00:33:43,489
bar and took their positions, ready to
play. Then one of the band pipes up. He

464
00:33:43,490 --> 00:33:47,530
says, just a minute, Joe. He says, Paddy
Me Boy, Paddy Me... How does that go?

465
00:33:47,531 --> 00:33:51,459
And Joe Ross said, well, don't ask me. I
thought you all knew, he said. The chap

466
00:33:51,460 --> 00:33:53,750
said, well, I don't know. I'd never
heard of it.

467
00:33:53,751 --> 00:33:57,559
Whereupon it transpires that no one in
the orchestra, not even Bertie on the

468
00:33:57,560 --> 00:34:04,259
drums, not even Bertie on the drums, had
heard

469
00:34:04,260 --> 00:34:09,079
of the song, Paddy Me Boy. So to cut a
long story short, the producer is called

470
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,519
over. Joe Ross says, look, it's very
embarrassing.

471
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,519
He said, the band here would love to
play you a song. Mother used to sing to

472
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:16,029
you, but none of us seemed to know it.

473
00:34:16,030 --> 00:34:17,830
This Paddy Me Boy. How does it go?

474
00:34:18,550 --> 00:34:22,689
I said, oh, he said, it goes like this.
He goes, Paddy Me Boy, is that the

475
00:34:22,690 --> 00:34:23,740
jackanoo?

476
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:19,850
Thank you.

477
00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:55,690
you

478
00:45:25,981 --> 00:45:32,069
Well, that seems to be just about all we
have time for tonight, doesn't it,

479
00:45:32,070 --> 00:45:33,530
Ronnie? Yes, indeed it does.

480
00:45:33,790 --> 00:45:36,270
But before we go, a few late items.

481
00:45:36,510 --> 00:45:42,890
Bad news tonight concerning missing gang
leader and drag artist Sylvan Velour.

482
00:45:42,891 --> 00:45:47,009
Apparently he's been found at the bottom
of the Thames wearing a pair of

483
00:45:47,010 --> 00:45:48,090
concrete slingbacks.

484
00:45:48,091 --> 00:45:53,669
This afternoon, Mr Cyril Smith sat on an
all -party Commons committee.

485
00:45:53,670 --> 00:45:55,470
They hope to be back at work on Sunday.

486
00:45:58,730 --> 00:46:04,169
And in today's Swiss skiing
championships, Rolf Schneiderhaus

487
00:46:04,170 --> 00:46:08,929
remarkable double. He won the men's
downhill in 57 seconds, sat on the sharp

488
00:46:08,930 --> 00:46:11,340
of his ski stick and won the uphill in
56 seconds.

489
00:46:14,170 --> 00:46:18,349
Claims that animals can develop the
characteristics of their owners was

490
00:46:18,350 --> 00:46:22,329
confirmed today when a racehorse
belonging to Clement Freud was

491
00:46:22,330 --> 00:46:23,380
boring.

492
00:46:25,030 --> 00:46:30,189
Finally, the BBC announced... tonight
that as a special tribute to Selwyn

493
00:46:30,190 --> 00:46:35,509
Wedgley, the film world's leading
understudy, the BBC will be showing a

494
00:46:35,510 --> 00:46:37,290
season of everybody else's films.

495
00:46:40,270 --> 00:46:41,490
How true, how true.

496
00:46:41,491 --> 00:46:45,749
In next week's programme, we shall be
meeting breakfast TV astrologist Russell

497
00:46:45,750 --> 00:46:49,849
Grant, who consulted his prune stones at
lunchtime today and decided not to

498
00:46:49,850 --> 00:46:52,740
tinker with his tailor but soldier on
till he met a sailor.

499
00:46:52,741 --> 00:46:57,189
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

500
00:46:57,190 --> 00:47:01,740
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